A Little Birdie Told Me
by mistaken.for LOVE
Summary: When Naruto is finally tired of Sasuke, he decides to persuade him to come back by mail. Or maybe even blackmail. And, oh, the poor Uchiha boy. [SASUKE & NARUTO & SAKURA] [OOCNESS]


**A Little Birdie Told Me…**

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**Author's Notes:** Random Team 7 fic is this. That is all.

**Summary:** When Naruto is finally tired of Sasuke, he decides to persuade him to come back by mail. Or maybe even blackmail. And, oh, the poor Uchiha boy. SASUKE & NARUTO & SAKURA OOCNESS

**Pairings?** There aren't any _real_ pairings in this random project. There _are_, however, jokes on** slash** (SASUNARU), **angst-y emoness** (NEJISASU), **pedophiles **(KAKASAKU, GENMASAKU), **incest** (ITASASU), **Naruto being dumb** (HINANARU), and** the-only-true-love-is-destiny **(NEJITEN),** I-got-my's-ass-kicked-by-a-medical-ninja-and-I-am-now-angsting-over-it** (NEJISAKU), **Hyuugas being pervs **(NEJIHAREM), **Kyuubi-is-one-hot-alpha-demon** (NARUHAREM), **Sasuke in love** (SASUSAKU) and **Orochimaru-is-one-_hot_-momma**. Please, please, _please_ don't ask about the last one.** I REPEAT: THEY ARE ALL JOKES.**

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**STORY ARC ONE: SASUKE THE MATCHMAKER**

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Dear Stupid Teme, 

I hate you. A lot. Did I say that already? And, oh, you should get your ass back in Konoha, or else Tsunade-baachan might smash your undamaged ass into the ground. And you're causing Saa-tan to be really scary. So, teme! COME! BACK! Wait. But if you actually _do _listen to me, then Sakura-chan might kick you back to Oto. Wherever Oto is. Where in hell is it?

Have you ever been punched (or kicked) by Saa-tan? It hurts. A lot. And she's supposed to be a really pretty medical ninja with a cute white nurse outfit that goes up to her thighs and she's supposed to walk towards me and say, "Oo, are my okay, sweetie?" And then she'll give me a lollipop and kiss me where the pain is the most!

(Blood stains here, a dirty print of boots there)

Ignore that, puriizu! Saa-tan ruined my dream!

(More blood stains)

OIROKE NO JUTSU! Is this Sasuke-kun? Oo, it's _me_. _Naruko_. Come back to Konoha and let me—

_Sasuke-kun? Don't you dare listen to Naruto, or else I swear I'll smash you into pieces. I swear I will. And don't listen to Naruto. You don't know him anymore. Dammit, I'll find ero-sennin and punch his face in, too. Did you know what he did to Naruto? HE MADE A MINI-VERSION OF HIMSELF. As if three perverts weren't enough. Jiraiya, Ebisu and Kakashi-sensei. Now there are four. FOUR. _

SAAASSSUUKE-HONEY!

_That wasn't me._

SAAASSSUUKE, YOU SEXY THING, YOU! COME HERE!

_Dark is calm._

_And, Naruto, what the hell is it that you want?!_

…I want _you_. And Sasuke! LET'S HAVE—

(Messily crossed out words)

_Bye!  
TEAM 7! SAKURA & NARUTO!_

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Dobe, Sakura, Kakashi, 

Right now, I believe I am very disturbed. Jiraiya trained Naruto, Tsunade taught you. And right now I'm at Orochimaru's. Drinking tequila. It's quite fun, actually. I've never had such fun years. Orochimaru has no alcohol-tolerance.

(Are you the next Legendary Sucker, Sakura?)

So, anyways. I'm laughing. Right now (handwriting gets messy). I feel very happy. I'm GiGlInG uNcOnTrOlLaBlY. HaHaHaHahAaaHa—

_Er, sorry, Sakura-san, Naruto-san. Sasuke-kun needs to stop. Medic's orders. You understand, don't you, Sakura-san? I hate drunks. They molest my sexy ass._

… _I like Hawthorne Heights. They're so HAWT and EMO._

_Love from Sound!  
Sasuke-kun & Kabuto _

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Dear Sasuke-kun (do you just want me to call you "Sasuke"?), 

Er, if you can't tell, this is Sakura. The one with the pink hair. Kabuto informed me in our last letter that you… got… drunk. If you really did, then don't drink that much! You have to deal with your own alcohol tolerance! Otherwise, you'll die. Early. And then, who'll avenge the Uchiha Clan?

…is Kabuto-san emo? He sure sounds like it.

…So, this is really awkward for me. I'm telling you to control your intake of alcohol… but that's what a medic does!

…Right?

Oh! _Oh!_ Tenten told me something really cool if you want to beat… defeat, I guess, people. I'm not sure if it'll work with you (do you have 120 percent throwing-accuracy?), but she said she had an ax… You know, I'm not sure if you like red or not (I do!) but it had a dark-red edge. It's taller than I am! But, I guess… I'm not that tall. But Gaara-sama is shorter than I am! He's older than I am, too. His birthday is on January 19, and mine's on March 28.

I'm off track, aren't I?

I know I've said this before, but…

(Large black ink stain)

Sorry. That was Tsunade-shishou. She just got back from the bar. I guess I'll give you the ax anyways. If you don't want it… well, since you can't shove it back into my hands… that sounded harsh, let me try again: if you're not… I guess, _satisfied_, then you can… mail it back. To Tenten, please.

"_If it can get through Neji's Kaiten, then it can get through anything."_)

Weird logic. But I guess it isn't logic at all…

Um, I guess I'm done.

But! I haven't yet forgiven you for the Legendary Sucker comment!

_Reply soon?  
Sakura_

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Uchiha, 

This is Tenten.

GIVE ME BACK THE AX, DAMMIT.

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Tenten: 

I don't have it. I gave it to Orochimaru. He's having fun torturing the unfortunate civilians. Sakura informed me that Gaara is shorter than her. How tall is she, anyways? Is Naruto any taller?

_-Sasuke._

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Uchiha: 

Yes; I don't know; Yes.

_-Tenten._

_P.S.:  
ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE BACK MY AX?!_

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Tenten, 

No.

_-Sasuke._

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Foolish Little Brother, 

This is Itachi. You must've figured it out by how I addressed you—it's not like Mother went through three pregnancies. Ah, oh well. I'm just writing because I felt like rambling to you about the unkewlness of life (doesn't that remind you of a Final Fantasy song?).

Deidara, the prat—keeps on asking me to tell him what shade of purple do I paint my nails with. Obviously, it's custom-made—stupid boy will never figure it out. He's such a _dumb blonde_. Like that Kyuubi-kid. And, speaking of Kyuubi, did you know that we already captured Nibi? And Sanbi? They were all idiots, especially Sanbi. The dolt. It was green, which is the grossest color in the world. Say, doesn't your girlfriend have green eyes? Tell her that it's ugly for me. And only _I _can use Floral Green (it's a gross name, but it makes my hair _beautiful_) and look beautiful. Sucks to be her.

Deidara is whining again. I'll write soon.

_-Itachi _

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Sasuke-teme, 

I think you and Neji should be a couple. I don't know why! It's just… THE ANGSTY EMONESS! It's so… _emo!_

But that's not the point of the letter. The point is that… you know Genma? Shiranui Genma? The-weirdo-with-a-senbon-in-his-mouth Shiranui Genma? He has his hitai-ate like a headband-ish-thing? ZOMG, HE WAS HITTING ON SAKURA-CHAN. I know that you're probably sitting there, thinking, _What does this have to do with me_, but you're still in Team 7. Oh, yes. You are. Yes, you.

Help? TEACH ME THAT BIG FIRE BALL THINGY! Watching old men flirt is truly unbearable! And Sakura-chan is probably thinking, "ROMEO, ROMEO, OH WHERE ART THOU, MY ROMEO?!"

Of course, I'm Romeo. Not you, SUCKER! NYAA-NYAA-NYAA!!

_Is this Sasuke?_

Oi, Kaka-sen! This is _my_ letter! So shut up!

_I flirt with Sakura, too, Naruto. I'm looking at your surprised expression. It's quite endearing, actually. Oh, yes, Naruto. I flirt with Sakura-chan! You know how she works at the hospital? You know what medical ninja do? THEY EXAMINE… _

_**MEN**._

_**HOT MEN.**_

_BWUAHAHAHA!_

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

_YES. Sasuke-kun, if you're still reading this, I have something to confess to the world_.

COVER YOUR EARS! I MEAN EYES!

_I am… bisexual._

I KNEW IT!

_Just kidding. I'm a pedophile. I molest little children like Naruto and Sakura. I also think that Orochimaru is one hot momma._

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

_Yes, Naruto! It's true! I want to have—_

(Messy ink blob covering words up)

Sasuke-kun? This is Sakura. I just beat them up for you. Oh, and are you going to give Tenten's ax back? She's getting mad at me. 

_WRITE BACK?_  
_-Sakura & Naruto & Kakashi-sensei!_

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Sakura & Naruto & Kakashi, 

…Well, this is more directed to Sakura, but I've received two letters at once. One was from my sweet, sweet brother, and the other one was from you guys. I've heard that you have inhuman strength now? Could you punch Naruto and Kakashi in the face for me, please? Thank you. Itachi thinks that only he can look good while using Floral Green. Is that a type of women's shampoo?

I feel sorry for you, Sakura.

Unfortunately, I don't feel your pain.

_-Sasuke._

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Sasuke-_kun_, 

YOU SUCK.

_:) Sakura_

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Sasuke-san, 

Um… this is a person… who likes a person… who has a connection to you… Um… I guess that he's your… best friend, and I, um… I… I LIKE HIM. And, um… Could you tell me what he likes to do and… _stuff?_ His name is… Naruto and I guess, um… Er… I like him. A lot.

_-A person who is not Hinata_

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Person, 

I don't know. Ask Sakura. She knows more than I do. And, how did you get my address, anyways?

_-Sasuke_.

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Sasuke: 

HELP ME. I was your, ah-hem, _former_ fangirl and I think I'm falling in love. With a lazy asshole. Named Shikamaru. You know him, right? I mean, I guess you do. You're the type of person that would watch people and know everything… RIGHT?

_-Not Ino_.

* * *

Ino(?), 

Too bad. Don't ask me.

Do you know that Hinata already mailed me about Naruto? What's up with that? Do random people give out my address or something?

_-Sasuke_.

* * *

Sasuke-chan, 

TELL INO TO GET AWAY FROM SHIKAMARU.

_Arigatou!  
-Temari from Suna_.

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Temari, 

Don't call me 'Sasuke-chan'. And, no, I will not do such a thing. WHO GAVE YOU MY ADDRESS?!

_-Sasuke_.

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Sasu-chan, 

Sakura.

_-Temari_.

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Sasuke-kun: 

Sakura.

_-Ino_.

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Sasuke-san: 

…Sakura… although you don't really want to tell her about it, I guess. She can punch people through 50 brick walls…

_-Hinata_

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Sakura-chan, 

This is Sasuke-kun. Yes, the one from Oto. Wasn't it formerly Rice Field Country? Anyways, I'm not going to beat around the bush.

WHY IS IT THAT YOU GAVE EVERY FEMALE YOU KNOW MY ADDRESS?! THEY SEND ME LOVE-PROBLEM LETTERS.

_-Sasuke. _

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Sasuke: 

Destiny is the only true love.

So, um… Doctor? My heart hurts whenever I see Tenten. The wrenching in my heart is distracting. It's just—I don't know—I'm thinking: WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE HER?! Oh my God. Oh my God. I'M SEEING THE LIGHT, DOCTOR! I SEE THE TUNNEL AND THE LIGHT! OH MY GOD, I'M SEEING ELVIS!

_-Hyuuga Neji. _

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SAKURA: 

HELP ME. I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT. NEJI SENT ME A LETTER ABOUT ELVIS AND TUNNELS AND LIGHTS.

_-Sasuke. _

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Sasuke-kun: 

I think not! I am so not going to help you. However—

_SASUKE-TEME, COME HOME!_

Er, no. That wasn't in my handwriting. So, anyways, I don't think that I _can_ help. You're officially SASUKE THE MATCHMAKER now. I'm sorry.

_HAHAHAHAHA!! SASUKE-TEME AS A MATCHMAKER!_

Shut up, Naruto.

_Reply!  
-Sakura & Naruto._

_  
P.S.: THIS IS YOUR FATE!_

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Sakura: 

I hate you.

_-Sasuke. _

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Sasuke: 

This is Fate.

_-Neji_

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**STORY ARC ONE: SASUKE THE MATCHMAKER ENDS!**

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Um? No comment. 

REVIEW NO JUTSU!


End file.
